Converse-n-Scrubs

I was so unique Now I feel skin deep I count on the make-up to cover it all Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention I thought I could be strong But it's killing me Does someone hear my cry? I'm dying for new life [Chorus] I want to be beautiful Make you stand in awe Look inside my heart, and be amazed I want to hear you say Who I am is quite enough Just want to be worthy of love And beautiful Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me Fighting to make the mirror happy Trying to find whatever is missing Won't you help me back to glory [Chorus] You make me beautiful You make me stand in awe You step inside my heart, and I am amazed I love to hear You say Who I am is quite enough You make me worthy of love and beautiful

I sat inside my classroom bored with my book as my teacher droned on about computers and the network Surprise! Random drug test. Go on upstairs the man in the scrubs will help you up there Behold! I look out the window and what do I see? Big fat falling rain drops and wind blowing through the trees But Alas! I'm stuck inside! Unable to enjoy the rain. Perhaps when class is over and I can venture forth again Long the hours of the class No windows to see through. If only I could have a glimpse of water falling true At last the class is over! And to my feet I rise I gather all my books And hurry to open skies Alas! But could it be? A shame it was to confess But while i was away in class The rain did move to the west!

I don't want to be here anymore.

If only you could see things the way that I want them If only my plans could turn out in the end If only my ideas could be shared by us both If only my dreams had a glimmer of hope Then I wouldn't be selfish I wouldn't be vain I wouldn't be wistful I wouldn't cause you pain. I guess I'll learn to give up, I guess I'll learn to let go I guess I'll learn how to wait I guess I'm learning self-control And boy does it S-U-C-K

I was looking at my friend's pictures today, and I realized that I wasn't there for a lot of them. This made me very sad. In a way, I feel like I missed out on a lot this summer. Apparently they had another tribal night. How did I miss that? And I was working when they did deep fried candy bars, though I did get to stop by for a few minutes. How did I manage to miss the shoe-tree? I think I forgot about it, so that's kind of my fault. But yeah, I feel like I missed out on a lot this summer. Leaves a rather unsatisfactory taste on the pallet. So, I really want to try to eat healthy and be more active and maybe shed a few pounds this semester. I usually do really good. Until I get some craving for ice cream or soda or some other sugar filled carbohydrate (yes, that's a bit redundant ). Usually I cave. Which makes me wonder: if I really cared about losing weight, I wouldn't cave. But, I really do want to lose weight!! Isn't there some way to like, balance being act...

Okay, kinda worked out another idea based on Tamar and Amnon. It certainly wouldn't be PG, but i'd try to keep it as clean as possible, what with the story line. Tamar: Daughter of Absalom, son of King David. She is a young beautiful teen who is named for her Aunt Tamar, a quiet, desolate figure who isolates herself from the rest of the family. Tamar's upcoming marriage serves as a catalyst to draw out the story of her aunts sorid past, and the truth about her father. (Aunt) Tamar: a young beautiful princess living in her father's house. From a distance she has seen her handsome half-brother Amnon, but living as a virgin in her father's house prevents her from seeing him. When the King commands her to take care of Amnon in his illness, she eagerly goes, only to find that Amnon had faked his illness. When she refuses Amnon's demands to sleep with him, he overpowers her and takes what he wants anyways. Afterwards, he throws her out in disgust, despite her pleas, ...

So..I'm taking a screenwriting class, and i have to come up with a pitch (logline) for next week. Which of course means i have to have a movie idea to pitch. So, here's an idea i was working on: Bathsheba: extremely attractive young woman, married to Uriah, a warrior man whom she does not know or love. She has breifly met King David before, as he is very close with her husband. When the King calls her to his room in the middle of the night, she allows herself to belive he can fulfill the emotional and physical void left by her absent husband and sleeps with the king, only to become pregnant and have her husband killed by the king. She eventually marries the king. King David: Although considered a man after God's own heart, he finds himself caught in a web of evils when he refuses to join his troops at war and instead see Bathsheba performing a rutial cleansing on her rooftop. He calls her to his room and seduces her, and gives orders for her husband to be killed once news r...

Every once in a while i'll hear a song, and think "I want to play that at my wedding". So here is the list: If You Could See What I See; by Geoff Moore & the Distance Christmas Cannon; by Trans-Siberian Orchestra (if i get married on Christmas eve) Beauty & The Beast; from the Disney movie um...yeah its like 3am and I'm to tired to think of any others. I'll probably add more at some point. In case you can't tell, I have wedding on the brain. I swear, with each friend who gets married or engaged it gets harder and harder for me to wait. Stupid school! Why must you interfere with everything!? Stupid Jenness! Why must you be so far away!? yup. I'm going to bed now. night.

The following is a collection of random quotes from the past weekend. Please note that most of these quotes came from out of the blue and were not from within any context whatsoever. "Alexx, if I were ever to kiss a girl, it would be you." "I ripped my old purse when i was done with it." "You had that fluffy pink one!" blank look. "Underwear?" "If I was gonna sleep with Shia LeBouf, I'd tell him I was on birth control so I could have his baby and we'd always be connected. " "Boys and girls are different, but they need each other..."

It was a bright, warm afternoon. The birds were singing, the squirrels were playing, and sun shone down through the trees with such clarity as she threw the last of her bags in the car and plopped in the driver's seat. She sat there for a moment, fiddling with the ipod before she turned the ignition and rolled out the drive. The gentle notes wafting from the speakers seemed the perfect start to the mini road trip. Song after perfect song played as she followed the windy road towards the highway. It was beautiful. And yet, despite the air of perfection to the start of her trip, she couldn't shake the ill sense of foreboding in the back of her mind. Trying to push it from her thoughts, she turned the music up and began to harmonize with the singers. She was a safe driver, others knew where she was and where she was going, and what time she was supposed to get there. Turning at last onto the main highway, the miles began to flow behind her. Half an hour down the road she stopped ...

It happened last year. And it may happen this year. I love this place. I love working here. I love the people here. And I want to stay here. Last year going back to CBU was so difficult. Especially after what I had just been though and was about to go through. So when I heard that one of my closest friends up here was going to be staying full time to work through the winter, you can imagine my jealousy. I was happy for her, but I was so jealous. I wanted to drop out of school and stay here too. But I knew that that path was to easy, and to stupid. I knew I would never be happy with myself if I quite school, if I never got the degree to do what I wanted, what I enjoyed. What God has called me to. So I didn't stay. I did manage to come up a few more times during the year, especially considering my changed relationship status last November. I cannot wait for the day when I can actually call this place my home. If that day comes... And now, once again, a year later I find another frien...

I find it simpy amazing how after only 3 days of total dependence on God (not this half-hearted bisnaz i've been doing for the past few weeks) my life has already gotten exponentially better. And its not just in one area either. In my physical life i've been able to walk for at least 30 min every day. It makes me feel so much more energized and just better about myself. Allowing God to have control in other areas as well has proved to be phenomenal as well. For so long i've been sitting in the middle of the battle, trying to fight but not really being able to. Now that i've finally given the battle over to God, it was immediate, the effect it had. Suddenly, i was no longer in the midst of the battle. I could hear it raging on, hear them calling me out to fight, but i was safe, distant from the fray. God fights for me. This...upswing, if you will, has also been effective in my personal life. I find i am not quite so irritable and short with people. I can enjoy my relatio...

I'm trying to understand what's going on. But, i can't. I'm trying to understand why i'm acting the way i am. But, i can't. Sometimes, I just think to myself, "Wow...being a Christian is...a lot of work. It's hard. Is it really worth it?" And i know, "Its not in our strength, its in the Lords." But hell, it's not like it's that easy. I mean, we can't just sit there and say "okay God, i'm gonna be a good christian in your strength" and have everything just fall into place. We still have to work at it. I mean, how do we do it in God's strength? We have to be connected to Him. We have to be praying daily, and immersed in the Word. And that, my friend, is hard work sometimes. Like right now. And i think that is the root of my issues. Why i'm always irritable, why I passive-aggressivly lash out without reason at those i care about, why i really don't enjoy life right now, why old habits that should be dead...

tired, oh so tired. weary, oh so weary. time ticks by not a sound not a sigh longing, oh such longing aching, oh such aching desires forbidden without a where without a why darkness, oh what darkness shadows, oh what shadows pigment of the skin no peaceful sleep no peaceful night

So, for those who care to read, here you will find a briefly detailed summay of my trip to South Asia with CBU's ISP nursing team. For security purposes, I will not be stating the names of countries or cities we were in, and the names of the workers in country have been changed. Enjoy! The trip started like all ISP trips: at the globe. After a time of prayer, we headed out for our 14 hour trans-pacific flight. We landed in Hong Kong only to discover that there were currently strikes going on in our country (we'll call it B.D., which stands for Beautiful Darkness because the land was so beautiful, but so full of spiritual darkness). So, we had to stay the night in Hong Kong. It was fun and we were excited we were able to get out of the airport, because originally we had a 13hr layover or something crazy like that. So, we saw a bit of the city, including the batman tower from the Hong Kong scene in The Dark Knight. Finally we flew out of the bustling hot sticky city, and made our...

The Quest by *Chuck* At highest high noon he stood on his hill and looked out across the earth. His search was for power, for beauty, for wealth, for any great thing of worth. "Self," said he "what has happened to thee? To thy joyous laughter and mirth? They haven't been seen since the day you did flee from the youthful land of your birth." The maiden was fair with locks of gold hair that shone in winter's sun. She set out on the plain to destroy the bane that held her captive so. "Self," said she "what has happened to thee? To thy joyous laughter and mirth? For long have you searched, and in vain have you cried for love unequaled on earth. From high on his hill, at the highest high noon the man looked down from his perch. He saw the fair maid, with yellowing braid and in her saw joy and mirth. "Self," said he "There is value I see, and none could equal its worth. For if this is love it is from heaven above, And love it truly mu...

The trip started out as any other trip with us does: behind schedule. Telling everyone to meet at 2:15 didn't really help us get out on time if the driver (me) wasn't even ready till 3. Once we finally left, my car had to get food and gas, Alexx's car had to go get Matt, Puff and Joe were driving on their way, and Kassia was meeting us there from up North. My group finally got out around 4, and since the three of us girl were all in commited relationships we passed the ride talking about first kisses and our favorite memories with our lovers. Almost there, we realized the place we were going to.....wasn't going to work out. After driving around for an hour we finally found a place, and then had the task of telling everyone else how to get there...which we didn't know how to do. The three of us loaded up our arms with stuff from the car and proceeded to walk down the beach. As it turned out, we had parked a LOT further away than was necessary, and we had to stop seve...

My entire body aches. My skin feels raw, like the slightest human touch would make me cringe. Yet perhaps it is human touch I am craving. Why are there not more hours in the day? I am not ready for what the next two days hold, let alone what the next two weeks has in store. I've come to terms with the fact that the purple bags under my eyes will probably never disappear. My muscles are so twitchy. So twitchy. I hate this. Don't ask me whats wrong, I'm not entirely sure. I think it has to do with being a girl. Oh how I detest that excuse. Yet it holds so much validity. I think I shall try to sleep now. That usually helps. Usually. Its more palliative. Sleep helps alleviate the symptoms. The root problem remains. And tomorrow I shall rise once again to fight the cancer that ails every college student: homework.

Two months in two days it all seems to be such a haze to think of what could be now to think of the change it would have brought about What would it have been like if God allowed my fears such bittersweet thoughts that mix with the tears For I'm not sure which is worse to think of then or now as the curse if only i could have better assessed then i could know for sure this would not trouble my rest But whatever the reason the Almighty has chose this path is the best of that I am sure Only the regret of prayers whispered in secret remains in my heart and forever i'll keep it.

And so our road trip is coming to a close....a very tragic event to be sure. We shall arise bright and early on the morrow to venture forth, rain or shine, to join the rest of our party and take the long and arduous road back to CBU to be flung right back into the chaos of school. Oh the joys. Today was a day I wished would never end. So utterly near perfection. As well it should have been, for today was the day we celebrate our Blessed Saviour's resurrection. Meeting my lover's family, going to a favorite church in the area, having a relaxing afternoon at his grandfather's house....all so perfect. Currently i am sitting on the couch in Ruth's house, pretending the cats allergen's aren't bothering me, and listening to Tchaikovsky while writing this. I have good friends close by, and a cup of sweet tea by my feet. Yes, a good end to a good day. Oh, did i mention the chips and salsa and the salt water taffy? Yes. Yes indeed. Though I have many thoughts, I will say...

For the past few weeks the chapel speakers have had something in common with their stories: at some point in time, somewhere a long the line, the woman they loved said something very harsh to them. And that harsh word was the "kick in the pants" they needed to become the men of God they were striving to be. I found it very interesting, as I've always had almost a stigma against a guy changing just for the woman he loves. But obviously, Christ can and does use even that. It has made me ponder the failures of the past, and wonder if he'd be a different man today if I had simply stood up for what I knew was truth, and been that "kick in the pants" he needed. Did my choosing to simply ignore some major issues only aid him in his impending destruction? Not that I am blaming myself, I fully understand that he was and still is capable of making his own choices and being quite responsible for them. But I wonder....could I have helped more than I hindered? Perhaps th...

Unrequited love is a painful thing with which to deal. Feelings of rejection, being unwanted. But I think a thing far more painful is to love someone, to be loved in return, and yet come to the realization there is no way you can be together. That is painful. It was for this the term "life's not fair" was first coined. I have not had to experience this myself. But seeing it in the lives of two of my friends from separate areas of my life....it hurts me. I see their pain, and I want to cry. I make up all kinds of excuses, justifications, and explainations why they should be able to be together. Why should I get to be happy in the arms of the one I love, while they cry themselves to sleep at night? I make an assumption in saying they cry. I've yet to hear tears in the dark watches of the nights that I've spent with them. But even if they don't cry outwardly, I know their heart is crying. For what heart doesn't cry as its breaking? No, Life's Not Fair.

I think there are few things in the academic world that provide such pleasure as holding in ones hand a completed paper, still warm in your hands. The hours of typing, searching, researching, reading, more typing...all culminated in paper and ink formatted to perfection. It is, in a way, a form of art, though considerably less enjoyable than other forms of art, in my opinion. After finishing this academic piece of art, I was walking though the chilled evening air back to my apartment. Having eating nothing but coffee and peanuts since 1140, and being short on several hours of sleep (understanding, of course, that this means a loss of a few hours every night for the past week, resulting in a considerable amount of sleep loss), I felt weak, almost faint. Though that is an exaggeration to be sure. But now the paper is done, food has been eaten, and the jeans have been exchanged for pink pajama pants. Sleep is desired, and most of all necessary. But alas, Ope and Ruth decided to watch V fo...