Skip to main content

Midnight Musings

So...I've been feeling discontent lately, and its hard to talk it out with people. A friend and I were chatting about our old blogging days today, so i figured i'd give this a shot again.

I'm sick and tired of not having a home. Sure I have a bed...for now. And a dresser...in the closet...that is hard to get into and even harder to see what i'm grabbing out. There's really not closet space so...most of my clothes are still in boxes on the back patio. Oh yeah, I need to sort through those. Mom has boxes out there of stuff they took out of my room after I left for college. I need to sort through it and figure out what i'm going to keep and what i'm going to toss. All my wedding supplies are in a little pile in the living room. A lot of my other things like books/DVDs and shoes are shoved in a corner behind the love seat. If I want to talk to Michael at night I have to go sit in the garage. I feel like I can't stay out late because Mom won't sleep well knowing i'm out, and I'll wake them up when i come home. And if i'm not here, I'm living out of a suitcase. Which is better in some ways and worse in others.

I've been helping a friend of mine get ready for her wedding this weekend (YAY!!), and while i'm extremely exciting for them, its making me a bit anxious for my own wedding. I'm excited. I just wanna get married. But at the same time, i know everything is changing. I want to savor every moment that I have. But how do I savor these moments when I really hate them? I don't want to rush the summer by...but I'm really not liking this time of....transition? Holding? Waiting? Whatever you wanna call it.

I feel like i'm just waiting on everybody else now to do their part so I can adjust the wedding plans/budget accordingly. I feel like i'm distant from Michael, but at the same time I have this insane need to prove that I am capable of doing this and I don't need his help. I wish I had all the details ironed out like my friend does for her wedding (which, her wedding is in 4 days so she better have things worked out!). But I feel like i'm stuck. This whole photographer thing is stressing me out too. I want a good photographer. We need a good photographer. The problem is...can we afford a good photographer? Also, I have no flower girl. This wouldn't be an issue if the church building had side asiles that people could walk down, but no....there is only one center asile. To make side ones would take away seating, of which we barely have enough as it is. Oh, and did i mention that we can't have dancing at the reception? Yeah. People keep telling me we'll work it out. I'm going "How?" Its not like we can just go outside, that's still church property. And its a bit of a big deal to me. I've always look forward to dancing with my husband for the first time (not to mention it will probably be the only time EVER i'll get michael to actually dance with me). I know this is really selfish and kind of a "duh!" but, i'm going to say it anyways: this is NOTHING like what I had in mind.

And don't even get me started on the honeymoon. Talk about horrible planning. A 7am flight?! The day after our wedding!? When we probably won't even be getting to the hotel till 10pm or 11pm the night before?! I wish I had had a little bit more wisdom then...because I would have certainly made a fuss about that before it was too late. Unfortunately I wasn't thinking the night we booked the flight and I really didn't know any better.


And I think the worst part is I feel like i don't have anyone I can talk to about all this. I know my mom tries to make me feel like I have a place here, but the truth is...I don't. I know Michael tires to help with wedding stuff, but in the end it just makes me feel like he thinks i'm incompetent and unable to properly plan our wedding. On top of all this...there are things weighing heavy on me now that I can't even talk about here on this blog, and I really have no one else to talk to about them. No one really understands...at least no one that I can talk to about these types of things. And if I do try to talk about it, I just can't verbalize it well. I dunno....


And of course...somebody ate all the wheat thins.....

Labels:

Comments

  1. KassiaJune 8, 2011 at 2:52 PM

    I love you lots, friend...I'm sorry you feel so overwhelmed. You always have a home in Jesus. He didn't have a home on earth but He is our home. I'll pray that he sends you just the people to talk to about each thing, and that He relieves your stress and worries. <3

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

South Asia Nursing: Uncovered!!!

So, for those who care to read, here you will find a briefly detailed summay of my trip to South Asia with CBU's ISP nursing team. For security purposes, I will not be stating the names of countries or cities we were in, and the names of the workers in country have been changed. Enjoy! The trip started like all ISP trips: at the globe. After a time of prayer, we headed out for our 14 hour trans-pacific flight. We landed in Hong Kong only to discover that there were currently strikes going on in our country (we'll call it B.D., which stands for Beautiful Darkness because the land was so beautiful, but so full of spiritual darkness). So, we had to stay the night in Hong Kong. It was fun and we were excited we were able to get out of the airport, because originally we had a 13hr layover or something crazy like that. So, we saw a bit of the city, including the batman tower from the Hong Kong scene in The Dark Knight. Finally we flew out of the bustling hot sticky city, and made our...
4 comments
Read more

Just some random thoughts floating in my head

I was looking at my friend's pictures today, and I realized that I wasn't there for a lot of them. This made me very sad. In a way, I feel like I missed out on a lot this summer. Apparently they had another tribal night. How did I miss that? And I was working when they did deep fried candy bars, though I did get to stop by for a few minutes. How did I manage to miss the shoe-tree? I think I forgot about it, so that's kind of my fault. But yeah, I feel like I missed out on a lot this summer. Leaves a rather unsatisfactory taste on the pallet. So, I really want to try to eat healthy and be more active and maybe shed a few pounds this semester. I usually do really good. Until I get some craving for ice cream or soda or some other sugar filled carbohydrate (yes, that's a bit redundant ). Usually I cave. Which makes me wonder: if I really cared about losing weight, I wouldn't cave. But, I really do want to lose weight!! Isn't there some way to like, balance being act...
Post a Comment
Read more

Another Movie Idea

Okay, kinda worked out another idea based on Tamar and Amnon. It certainly wouldn't be PG, but i'd try to keep it as clean as possible, what with the story line. Tamar: Daughter of Absalom, son of King David. She is a young beautiful teen who is named for her Aunt Tamar, a quiet, desolate figure who isolates herself from the rest of the family. Tamar's upcoming marriage serves as a catalyst to draw out the story of her aunts sorid past, and the truth about her father. (Aunt) Tamar: a young beautiful princess living in her father's house. From a distance she has seen her handsome half-brother Amnon, but living as a virgin in her father's house prevents her from seeing him. When the King commands her to take care of Amnon in his illness, she eagerly goes, only to find that Amnon had faked his illness. When she refuses Amnon's demands to sleep with him, he overpowers her and takes what he wants anyways. Afterwards, he throws her out in disgust, despite her pleas, ...
Post a Comment
Read more